I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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