I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
