Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
