how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
