I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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