but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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