She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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