sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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