Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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