I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
