If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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