I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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