I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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