Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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