dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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