It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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