so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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