All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
