this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am one with the molecules
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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