I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
