I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
