currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
this is an emotional support booty call
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
