her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
