she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
