I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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