I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he was CRYING into my vagina
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
