It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
