i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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