Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
