Too much gin, very little bucket
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
