4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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