Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
