mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
