So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
