just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
