Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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