good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
