I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
