I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
