I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
