Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
