the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think your dad took our porno
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
