How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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