If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
