Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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