So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
being pregnant is like rehab
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
