When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
