I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
