i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
