Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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