So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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