The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
