My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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