I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
