you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
