I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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